I’m kind of freaking out some of the time right now. In my mind, I mean. Recently I had one of those days that I will remember forever: April 25 to be exact. It was one of those turning-point-in-my-life days. I might have suspected at the time that it would be one of those days, but I am sure now. I wrote a tiny bit about it here.
On that day in the span of 15 minutes, somehow I let go of a lot of ideas that had become habitual mental chatter, and I had a lot of clarity about my life.
Here is some of what I found when I asked myself what would I do if I could do what I really want.
- I would sleep more.
- I wouldn’t try to do everything.
- Listen. Stop fixing.
- I would go be in the woods: hiking and camping.
- I would stop trying to have a business with essential oils.
- I would plan The Awesome Event, really dig in.
- I love talking to people about the true nature of our human experience.
- Maybe Jeanne isn’t the “teacher” for me. I pay attention to her work ethic when that is her way. I’ve been using Jeanne’s work ethic as an idea instead of being me. Maybe I shouldn’t be at Divine Play.
- I do not want to enroll people to work with me. I don’t want to convince people. No. Can’t stand it: No enrolling.
- I would own a farm with several houses/cottages or a bed and breakfast. Organic, woods, mountains, trails, wood stove. People would come stay with us. We would have this lovely place where everyone is welcome and we sort of point people to their own wellbeing just by being us. Christopher would build whatever he wants, and it would be amazing for everyone. p.s. I do not want to do the actual farming.
My favorite parts of the list above are the first and last bits. Also, I cried about leaving Divine Play. For over an hour.
That night, I shared all that with my husband. He was moved to tears and said, simply, “yes.”
The next day I talked to my dear friend who also wants a farm (and who actually wants to farm it). I told her what had occurred to me the day before and how she had come to mind a couple hours later. Unbelievably, she had the same idea to live on a farm together, with Christopher fixing and building stuff and me helping to run an Airbnb. We were blown away that we had basically the same inspiration. But then we couldn’t figure out how to do it because we want to live in different places, about 45 minutes apart. Since I had no idea how to solve that problem, I left it alone for a while.
I couldn’t wrap my head around leaving Divine Play, so I totally ignored that part for two weeks. Then one day I got clear, and now I no longer work there. I am so very grateful for my years of work with Jeanne.
My farming friend and I did go to look at a piece of land that she found. We spent over two hours with two of her kids on this 21 acres of pastures with fencing, a pond, and beautiful woods. I loved it. It felt like home, and I was so present. There are mountain laurels, pink lady slippers, wild blueberries, deer, and big old trees. I would love to live there. We talked about so many ways we could support each other’s dreams by sharing land. It’s not in my friend’s location though, and so we stalled again. But that opened my eyes to land. I hadn’t thought of that. My husband IS a builder. And my parents own an Airstream trailer that sleeps three. Maybe they would let us borrow it! All these options I had not thought of before… and that’s great to see the bigger picture and potential. But also, I was sad. I don’t want to let go of this dream to have a place together. It just seems so perfect for us, like everything about this dream is whispering YES. So I don’t want to let go. And I didn’t tell my friend how sad I was. But the other day I remembered that letting go of it does not mean that it won’t happen. It just means it’s not to be figured out right now.
Here it is, June 20. I have the idea that I should have done more on all this inspiration since that April day. Initially I naturally went to bed earlier because I was sleepy and listened to it. I did quit my job at Divine Play, and I quit Jeanne’s training program too. I went hiking with a friend. I went camping. I canceled my trip to the essential oils convention that was last week. I have been really enjoying being a mom. I have been resting a lot, being alone a lot, connecting with a few friends. I have been giving stuff away because all of a sudden so much of it looks unnecessary. Shedding. My friend Julie said this is called shedding. That is so exactly right.
So, I don’t know what I am doing. We don’t know what we are doing. We are living in temporary housing and have to be out by mid-August. Every time I look at a rental house online, all I can think is NO. (And actually, there aren’t even any that meet our criteria.) But more relevant to me right now: after years of being thrilled to rent, I want to own. We are ready to own so that Christopher can create. How would we do that with no employers, no cash, and debt? The short answer is that I don’t know. And I’m sometimes scared and don’t want to hang out in this “I don’t know" place. I want to have it figured out so that we aren’t homeless in August. And I think about renting a place and getting a full time job, like most people would do in this situation. And my whole being says no. It’s time to own something, and I just don't know yet how we will do that.
So I’m not letting my fear close the door for us. Sometimes I’m okay with this not knowing, sometimes I am terrified of not knowing, sometimes I am flailing about trying to solve everything as if it is a problem. Right now I feel profoundly grateful that I can even step into this place that most people wouldn’t be willing even to consider.
I'll leave you with these words. I like them:
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.” - Rumi